My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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