In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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