We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
