She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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