i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
