It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
