So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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