she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
