do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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