I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
