My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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