Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
