I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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