I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
