Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
