she woke up with a sticky ear
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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