Whats the glycemic index on semen?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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