I have demons in me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
two words: eviction party
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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