The maid of honor just puked.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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