Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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