I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
