Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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