Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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