he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
