My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
