did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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