she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
