Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
