2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i think i have two assholes
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
