i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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