ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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