Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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