my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
operation harelip BJ is a go
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
