it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
