the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
