I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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