Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
