And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
