no, he came in my armpit
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
