told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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