So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
