I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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