You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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