I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
