Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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