i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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