Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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