you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
