I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
