I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
