I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
ugly people sure do ruin things
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
