is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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