My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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